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Fish Wrapper Chronicles

Delusions from 'One-Eyed Jack'

So, let me get this straight. I do my Rip Van Winkle impression and nod off for a few zzz’s after the meltdown against Marshall in the Mobile Bowl. I wake up grumpy but rested less than two years later and the world as I knew it no longer exists.

Dogs are sleeping with cats. Fish walk on legs and lobsters grow on trees. Madonna has joined a convent and Brittney Spears has had a breast reduction job. Janet Reno has gone straight. PETA has endorsed the other white meat. And the Pirates have become patsies.

A world turned upside down — all in the course of a brief 21-month siesta.

While I was dozing, reality obviously morphed into another dimension — one in which down is up, left is right, sour is sweet, Al Sharpton is a Republican, and a four-game orgy of turnovers is driving Steve Logan nuts.

Say what? You mean, he's not the one pulling his hair out? Cast into exile? You're kidding me. That's like saying the Pope has been excommunicated.

Oh, he had a bad year while I was snoozing? I see. Then it all makes perfect sense. Especially on top of that miserable 5-6 record he had six years ago. Especially in Mike’s Bizzaro World.

Huh? You’re kidding me? Mike Hamrick’s gone, too? Expended his last micro-drop of professional capital to elbow Logan overboard, and then high-tailed it one step ahead of the posse from G-Vegas to the real Vegas? I’ve heard it all now.

Oh, I haven't heard it all, you say. Well, please fill me in while I take solace in knowing that our fearless commander, Bill Muse, is busy, busy, busy patching the holes in the ship and that we’ll be sailing the high seas and spittin’ in landlubbers’ eyes again in a jiffy.

Why are you shaking your head? No, don’t tell me. Boss Bill's been bumped? Oh, they caught him playing fast and loose with some CEO chores and discovered that he and Marlene were cavorting with an embezzlement-prone footman?

Well, that explains everything. After all, no way did Mr. Bill have time to tackle back-biting in the athletic department with those kinds of alligators chomping at his rudder.

Not to worry, though. We’ve got our fail-safe line of defense, right? Mrs. Molly and the Board of Trustees will right the vessel. They'll keep the boat afloat. They have surely seen the pitfalls of their limp-wristed oversight and will immediately take firm action to reestablish order.

Huh? Get outta here. Did I understand you to say that they strapped Mr. Bill to a parachute and gently dropped him in the School of Business as a tenured shaper of our entrepreneurs of tomorrow?

Please, stop. Don't tell me any more... I'm afraid you're about to say he's going to teach Business Ethics 101. Or, worse yet, How to Manage Your Board of Directors.

And excuse me, if you don’t mind. I think I’ll take another nap.

Editor's note: One-Eyed Jack's Fish Wrapper Chronicles is a feature which is published occasionally as a platform for disseminating miscellaneous notes and tidbits and off-the-beaten path opinions and slants from a humorous or satirical perspective. The Fish Wrapper Chronicles generally represents a compilation of material from various members of the staff. This particular edition, however, was authored entirely by Danny Whitford.

02/23/2007 01:10 PM


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